As we pulled into our parking space I realized this was the first time I had let it sink in, why we were here. My body was shakie and I felt sick to my stomach, were we going to leave this space later today and our whole world have changed? What did today hold for our family? As the three of us run through the lot trying to stay dry I did as I often do and counted my blessings, I was so happy he had no idea how scared his dad and I were, I was sad that so many parents before us and so many after us will have to make this run across the lot to building E. As parents do we bottled our fear and joked around on the elevator and cheered when he found the number four and pushed the button for us. Fourth Floor, Paediatric Hematology/Oncology BARF. I felt like I could not get my breath but at the same time felt like I needed to exhale oh man this week had been hell, we had stayed so positive but now we are here it is real.
A week ago today Toad woke up and could not walk. Yeah a 3 year old who would not get out of bed rather couldn't, after many frantic calls it was decided we needed to go to the ER. I packed a billion books, my two sweet children into the car and headed for the Tillsonburg hospital, Rob was on route from work and we were going to figure out why our boy couldn't stand up.
After a full day at the hospital countless xrays and a bunch of blood work to rule out anything scary we were sent home. The Dr said from a high level look his blood work was good and he was not sure what had happened and to follow up with our family Dr when he returned from his vacation. UM okay.. no answer but the toad was walking and they had ruled out anything bad (Leukemia ). We came home and were happy, life went on, the toad was watching a movie resting on the couch Rob and I were enjoying a game of darts and the phone rang. I looked and saw it was the hospital oh no were my words as I ran upstairs with the phone.
Okay , Okay , Okay was all I remember saying as the Dr informed me that my baby's blood work at a deeper level was not good, he could no longer rule out Leukemia. If you read my blog you know I hate Cancer, my family does not need to be introduced to a new form. I called Rob upstairs and told him the news, I never want to have to tell my husband anything like that again, together we lost it. You never ever, ever want to hear your kids name and cancer in the same sentence. Not our baby, my heart broke when I looked into my husbands eyes and saw his fear as I knew I looked the same.
NO we are not going there NO we will not.. He will be fine I said we have to work hard to put only positive energy towards this I told Rob, the doctor mentioned other possible reason for the blood work to come back like this but still he would want us to see a specialist which brings us to today.
As you sit on the 4th floor you see things that should never happen, you think of journey's that are too hard for people so little. I promise you that I never thought about the results being negative till today, and when I was in those chairs watching my boy play with the trains I was breaking inside, I was soo scared, I was soo close to tears, I was emotionally drained and I felt blessed. Yes Blessed I felt blessed to be his mom and no matter what happened today we were going to be okay, cuss we had each other.
The three of us played cards and games as we waited for the results to come back and when they called our name I stopped for just a second to soak in that moment. Was it the moment before life changed? maybe, I didn't know but I was not going to forget it. I wanted to be in it. Thankfully for us the results were fine and he most likely had a viral infection.
As we drove out of the parking lot 7 Rob looked to me and gave me a high five. Yeah it felt like a high five moment.
This week I think Rob and I learnt something, you just don't know when your life could get tossed up in the air so relax, have fun, laugh, play, let the kids stay up a bit later, read an extra story, hug them longer, let them pump gas or help with the salad there are thousands of parents around the world who wish they were in our shoes and that their babies were home with them and healthy.
Life is Short ! HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!